“I broke up with my husband two years ago after twelve years of marriage. I caught him cheating with his much younger secretary and he did not even bother denying it. The divorce was awful and it made me hate everything about him. It also made me determine to be totally independent and never rely on a man again,” says Marilyn.

As a young late thirties woman she also joined the dating game going through the usual curve of friends introducing her to friends, online dating sites, a dating agency, the odd blind date or two and finally singles’ nights at her local pub. It was there, incredibly enough, that she met mark and they clicked.

“He also has been through a painful divorce and he could understand how I felt. Compared to every other man I met he was caring, non-pushy, patient and very understanding.” Mark and Marilyn hit it off and as one thing led to another they started to get more serious about each other. “Mark has a son from his other marriage and he sees him every other weekend. I introduced him to my children, Tony and Susan. Everything seemed to be ok, even with Mark staying overnight and us living as a family a few times.”

But not everything is really smooth in Marilyn’s household. “My daughter, Susan, is eleven years old and has started puberty a little early. She is experiencing severe psychological issues in adapting to Mark which come out in her performance at school, occasional violent outbursts at home and a complete withdrawal at times from family life.” Marilyn has spoken to Susan’s school psychologist about it who has explained that Marilyn’s newly single status, the absence of a father figure and a sense that there is no real stability at home are affecting Susan in ways which are difficult to deal with, though they are understandable.

“I understand in my own mind that in some way she sees me as competition and she understands that I am not just a mum but a person who has to deal with a social life and the problems of being single and still be there for her and Tony and this produces tensions she’s ill-equipped to deal with,” says Marilyn. What is less clear perhaps is the best solution to this case. “I love my children, I would do anything for them. I am also trying to be realistic. I know that at some stage they will grow up and leave home and I will be left on my own. I have strong feelings for Mark and we have hit it off and though I know his presence confuses my kids, psychologically, I am not sure what I should do. If I decide to break it off and devote myself to Susan and Tony will that really solve the issues my daughter is facing and my son might as he reaches puberty? And what about me and my own needs?”

Everyone I ask has a different opinion about it. Friends tell me to focus on myself. My own mother, who never got over the fact that I am now divorced, is urging me to stay single and become a devoted mother. Personally I am torn over my own feelings as a person and what I understand my duties to be as a parent.

Comments (4)

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Hello, I understand what she is going through, I have been threw the same problems. I was in my late teens with 2 girls when I divorced my first husband. And I had hardened my heart where no one could ever get in.
when I met my 2nd husband my kids were 4 and 1, We fell in love and I tossed the same question back and forth same as Marilyn has. It is hard to do.

She shoould look at what she needs and wants her kids will be grown soon. Plus the daughter may miss her dad but she wants to control her moms life.

Doris , November 18, 2009

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That is one tough choice to make,either way she will be sacrificing something. Sucks!

Mat , November 19, 2009

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Doris hit it on the head with her last sentence. The daughter is crying for attention. She needs to show her daughter that she can have a man in her life and be a mommy too. Don't let a 11 yr old run all over you!

On top of that, what makes mommy happy? If she doesn't do what she wants, she will send the wrong signals to the little girl, esp through puberty. If there is no father figure, someone has to wear the pants. Apparently, the little girl wears the pants LMAO

Willz , November 25, 2009

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Your story makes me want to cry. It is my story too. The only difference being I have chosen to live with the "step dad" for 6 years and I'm pretty sure it is another painful mistake for us all. I have denied the step dad the chance to have his own family and wasted his time. In forming this new relationship, I have tried to esacpe the pain of divorcing my own children's father when really I needed to concentrate on that pain, face it and help me and my children move through it. It is so hard to be alone, I know. But the pain will make you a strong, devoted mother who can be prud of her achievements. Your children will grow and move out of home one day, but if you committ to them they will committ to you. There is work and hobbies like gardening which can help. One day you will be a proud granmother. These are all the things I know I need to tell myself. Your mother knows what is best for her child. Trust her. The best things for us are sually the most painful and challenging. Life should be simpler not more simple. You can manage. Believe in yourself, (I'm going to try) :)

daisy , March 12, 2010

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